When It All Falls Apart
by BurninThroughMe
Summary: Spencer Carlin is spiraling out of control after the death of her brother. Who's going to catch her? Spencer/Carmen with mentioned Spashley WARNING: Drug Use, Abuse, A femslash.
1. Prologue

Title: When It All Falls Apart  
Author: BurninThroughMe  
Disclaimer: I do not own nor did I create any characters from South of Nowhere. This is purely for my own entertainment.

Warning: Drug Use & Abuse!  
Pairing: Spencer/Carmen, eventual Spashley  
Summary: Spencer Carlin is spiraling out of control after the death of her brother. Who's going to catch her?

"**It's hard to look for the light when you're lost in darkness."**

**~anonymous~**

It should have come to an abrupt end the minute that it began. It should have been noticed by someone before it had gotten too far. Yet everyone had been too involved with their own problems to notice that the youngest Carlin was spiraling downhill. They were still too busy trying to pick up the pieces of their own life in the wake of the tragic death of Clay. Under normal circumstances it would have had ended with the first shove, but Spencer Carlin had been feeling so numb that when she finally felt something she was not about to let it go. A part of her knew that it was wrong to let Carmen treat her that way, but the bigger part of her that was desperate to feel something, anything, was overriding her common sense. With every bruise that marked now scarred body Spencer felt herself able to feel. It was a huge contrast to the numbness filled her soul at the thought of her lost brother. But Carmen helped her forget her troubles. And it wasn't like it happened all the time. When Carmen was sweet and caring, Spencer felt like the luckiest girl in the world. And even though the bad moments outweighed the good by a huge number Spencer was able to look past them because she was finally able to feel again.

It was these good moments that she forced herself to think of when she suddenly felt Carmen's hateful eyes rest upon hers from across the room. She knew it had to have been her fault that Carmen was so mad. She was always doing something wrong to screw up their relationship. Whether it was staring at Ashley for a moment longer than necessary or forgetting to meet up with Carmen after school. It had to have been her fault because Carmen was always trying to be there for her. Spencer was the one who wasn't letting her in the way she should have been.

"You're late," Carmen snapped.

"I'm sorry," Spencer said quietly, "My mom wanted me to come home first before I came over."

Carmen rolled her eyes but she didn't say anything else about the matter and for a moment Spencer thought she was off the hook. She was wrong. Carmen took a step forward and back handed Spencer as hard as she could. The smack bounced off the walls echoing through the room. Spencer willed the tears to stay hidden. It may have stung like hell but it was the first real emotion she had felt all day.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" Spencer asked quietly.

A grin spread across Carmen's lips. An evil glint shimmered in her eyes and Spencer almost felt regretful for even having asked the question. She knew whatever was going through Carmen's mind could not have been good.

"I'm glad you asked," Carmen replied.

She turned around and went into one of her drawers. Spencer stood nervously waiting for Carmen to explain what she meant. She nervously played with her hands not liking how long it was taking Carmen to go through her drawer. She finally turned around holding something small in her hands. Something that Spencer couldn't see through Carmen's closed fist.

"What's that?" Spencer asked, against her better judgment.

The grin slid back across Carmen's lips as she came closer to Spencer holding out her hand for her to see. Spencer saw two tiny pills in the palm of the other girls hand and she was almost afraid to ask what they were. But she knew she wouldn't have to. Carmen was going to tell her whether she wanted to know or not.

"They're Ecstasy pills," Carmen told her, "One for you and one for me."

Spencer continued to stare at the pills as an internal battle waged on within her. The rational side of Spencer, however silent it had been lately, did it's best to yell at her not to take it. It was dangerous. She had taken health class and she knew the side effects of taking any type of drug. Yet a larger part of her that still felt incredibly numb, even when she was around Carmen was urging her to take it. It was urging her to experience the rush of emotions that the E pills would bring. They had learned how it feels to be high off drugs and in that moment the rush was looking mighty good to Spencer.

Spencer raised her eyes from the pills to Carmen who was still waiting for an answer. She knew that if she said no that Carmen would not be happy. Though even with that knowledge she knew those weren't going to the reasons she said yes. She was saying yes because she wanted to feel everything inside of her bursting out.

"Okay," Spencer finally said quietly, "I'll try it."

A triumphant smug grin crossed Carmen's lips, but Spencer ignored it as she popped the pill into her mouth and swallowed it dry. Carmen quickly followed suit a little annoyed that Spencer had been the first one to take it. But she wasn't going to say anything bad. She could proudly say that she had been the one to corrupt Spencer Carlin. Paula Carlin might have been worried about the influence that Ashley had been having on her daughter, but she had no idea that it was actually Carmen that she should have been worried about. Compared to Carmen Ashley would have been a dream come true.

Carmen led Spencer over to her bed where she pushed the other girl onto her back. As the drugs rushed through their system their lips met in a crushing kiss. They were going to ride out the high in the only way they knew how. Their relationship wasn't built upon respect and love. It was built upon violence and sex. For a brief second before Spencer succumbed to the effects she wondered what Ashley would think of her if she had seen her like this.


	2. Chapter 1

"**You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit."**

**~David Ryan~**

It almost seemed like an eternity since that seemingly inevitable day where Carmen had been able to persuade Spencer into trying ecstasy with her; when in reality it had only been a few days. In those few days it seemed as if Spencer had spiraled even further out of control. She was no longer that sweet and innocent girl that had moved from Ohio to Los Angeles. The change in her entire personality would have been the major red flags that should have drawn attention from those around her, but not one Carlin had noticed, and if they had no one had given it any attention. No one except Carmen, but she was taking full advantage of the situation. She knew that if things were different then she wouldn't have been able to have as much control over the blonde as she did.

Spencer took one last drag from the joint she held between her fingers; allowing the smoke to fill her lungs completely. She held it in letting it mingle for just a moment longer as she passed the joint back to Carmen so the other girl could finish it off. Spencer closed her eyes as she let the euphoric feeling wash over her sending her into blinded bliss. She opened her eyes slowly as she gradually exhaled the smoke. She found Carmen standing behind her grinning from ear to ear. She mistook happiness for Carmen's obvious delight over the situation. She had managed to get the goody goody Spencer Carlin to go to school high.

"You ready to face King High?"

Spencer quickly nodded. Being new to showing up to high school completely blitted out of her mind Spencer moved forward to head onto campus. Carmen grabbed her arm and roughly pulled her back.

"Where do you think you're going?" Carmen snapped.

Spencer felt fear shoot through her. She wasn't sure if it was the paranoia from the Mary Jane or if it was from Carmen herself.

"I thought we were going to school," Spencer managed to squeak out.

Spencer watched fearfully as Carmen tried to get a handle on her emotions. Her grip on Spencer tightened, which would no doubt leave red marks, before she finally let go. The anger drained from her eyes and it was as if it had never been there. She reached into her bag and pulled out body spray and eye drops.

"You can't go into school looking like that," Carmen told her, "They'll know right away."

Spencer nodded. She had completely forgotten Carmen's previous lap


	3. Chapter 2

"**Cause she is drawn to the fire,**

**Some people never learn."**

_**Once More with Feeling**_**~ by Joss Whedon**

The meeting had gone exactly as Spencer had predicted. Her Mother, Paula Carlin, had shown up about hours after the principal had called her, but it was rather obvious that she was not mentally present. On a normal day Paula would have tried to defend Spencer by pointing out the only reason she would fight would be if she was defending herself. But that argument never left Paula's lips. She just sat quietly while she listened to the Principal lecture Spencer. Then after he had suspended Spencer for two days the only thing that Paula had said was she would talk to Spencer about fighting when they got home. Spencer rolled her eyes internally knowing that would never happen.

By the time they left school was letting out already. Spencer spotted Carmen easy and noticed that she was motioning for her to come over. Spencer glanced at her Mother for a second and could tell that she was too involved in her phone conversation to notice if Spencer slipped away. She had only took a few steps in Carmen's direction when Paula stopped her.

"Where do you think you're going?" Paula snapped.

"Why do you care?" Spencer countered.

"You just got suspended for fighting," Paula said angrily, "Did you really think you were going to get a social life after that?"

"You'd have to notice me enough to ground me. You have barely noticed me since…"

The words of her older brother's death died on her lips. She still didn't have the courage to even admit that he was gone herself. She shot her Mother a glare before turning around and heading in Carmen's direction. Her mother's cries of pretest died on her ears as she crossed the campus. By the time she had reached her girl friend her Mother had already given up and had driven off in her car. Her Mother had definitely changed. The old Paula would have gone after Spencer to drag her back to the car by her hair. But the new Paula had just let her go.

As soon as Spencer came into arms reach, Carmen grabbed her hand and roughly pulled her towards her car. Spencer could immediately tell that the other girl was angry. She should have pulled away and gone home right then and there. She knew what happened to Carmen when she was angry. But she was a glutton for punishment. She was headed straight into the fire pit and she knew it, but she honestly didn't care.

"How long did you get suspended for?" Carmen asked, once they were headed to her house.

"Two days."

Neither one of them spoke again the rest of the car ride. Not even when they had arrived at Carmen's house to find that her Mom was absent. They wordlessly dropped their bags by the door and headed upstairs to Carmen's room. They didn't speak again until Carmen had closed and locked her door behind them. That was when all hell hit the fan.

Carmen shoved Spencer into the door and roughly forced her lips onto Spencer's. Spencer knew this game all too well. She didn't fight Carmen too much in fear that it would set her off even more. After what seemed like an eternity Carmen pulled away.

"Why can't you just forget about her?" Carmen growled, "Why can't I ever be enough for you?"

"Forget about who?"

The words fell out of Spencer's lips at almost a whisper and it caused Carmen's grip to grow stronger.

"Don't lie to me," Carmen snapped, "You know exactly who I'm talking about."

Spencer did her best to ignore the searing pain that was spreading throughout her arm to try and figure out just what her girl friend was talking about; but nothing came to mind.

"I'm sorry," Spencer gasped out, "I love you Carmen. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Spencer was hoping that if she just apologized even though she did not know what she did that it would make things better.

"I know your still in love with her," Carmen said, completely ignoring what Spencer had said, "And don't you dare deny it. You wouldn't have gone after Aiden today if it wasn't true."

Spencer lowered her eyes in regret. She should have known how Carmen would react if she had found out about that. But at the time Carmen hadn't even entered her mind. She had only been thinking about Ashley when she had gone after Aiden. Maybe Carmen was right. Maybe she was still in love with her. Ashley hadn't just been the first girl she had been with, but she had also been her first true love. Not that Spencer would ever dare to actually tell Carmen any of that. Ashley was gone and Carmen was all she had. She wasn't about to give up the one thing that allowed her to feel anything.

Carmen grabbed her chin roughly and forced her to look up at her.

"I'm sorry," Spencer said, "You're the only one I love. I don't care about her anymore."

She didn't give Carmen a chance to respond. Instead she maneuvered herself out from Carmen's hold and pulled over to the bed. She showed her loyalty to Carmen the only way she knew how. She couldn't let Carmen leave her. No matter how bad the other girl treated her, Spencer was not about to give up the only thing that let her feel. She had nothing else left.

Back at the Carlin house, Paula sat with her husband watching television, but neither of them were really paying attention to it. Instead Paula had her eyes glued to the clock. It had been hours since she had last seen Spencer at the high school and she was getting more worried every second that went by. She was so angry at herself for letting her grief absorb every part of her life. She had ignored how her daughter was feeling because she had been to focused on her own pity party. She knew that if she had taken the time to stop being so damn sorry for herself then she probably might have seen the warning signs that were there. Spencer was out of control and Paula hadn't even bothered to nice.

"It's not your fault," Arthur told his wife, as if he had been reading her mind.

"Don't say that," Paula snapped, "I should have seen she was having a hard time."

"You're not the only one who wasn't paying attention." Arthur sighed. "I'm more at fault then you. I'm always around them. I didn't see it."

"No," Paula disagreed, "I worked too much. Maybe if I had been home more…"

"We can't think like that. We have to figure out how to help her now," Arthur said cutting off his wife.

Silence fell over the pair as they went back to watching the little hands move around the clock. They were each respectively trying to come up with an idea that would hopefully save their daughter from the destructive path that she was taking. They hadn't been thinking long when the sound of the front door echoed throughout the house. They jumped to their feet and dashed into the hallway just in time to see Spencer walking in. Her neck and arm were already turning various nasty colors from where Carmen had grabbed her.

"Spencer!" Paula gasped.

"What!" Spencer snapped.

Paula gingerly touched the bruise on Spencer's neck. The moment her fingers made contact, Spencer jerked back roughly. She was half expecting some sort of violence that she should have known would never come from her own Mother.

"Who did this to you?" Arthur asked, when Paula hadn't said anything.

"Why do you care?" Spencer snapped, "Don't act like you care all of a sudden."

Without saying a word she practically ran up the stairs and away from her parents. Bam! Her bedroom door slamming caused both Arthur and Paula to cringe. It was worse than they had originally thought. Paula wasn't so sure that they could help her daughter anymore. But she knew someone who might be able to. She glanced at Arthur and hoped she was making the right choice. She never thought that she would be asking them for help in a million years. But she knew that she had no other choice.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: First off, I want to say thank you to all of your comments. Especially Isebella.E. Thank you for your constructive criticism. I will do my best to improve in that area. Next, this chapter is not as long as I hoped it would be, but it had to get done. So I hope you enjoy it!

"**The strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul."**  
_**~Rona Barrett~**_

After three failed attempts to return home and circling the house almost a dozen times, Paula found herself sitting in the front. She stared up at the apartment building that loomed ahead wondering if the person she was there to talk to was actually home. Paula prided herself on being a strong woman. It was the reason she had gotten to where she was in her career. But she had no idea where her strength had fled. She felt almost weak as she tried to push herself to leave her car. She knew that her daughter depended on this, but it did not seem to motivate her enough.

Paula sighed as she put the keys back into the ignition for the millionth time; the car turned over after she turned the key. But just like all the other times before Paula knew that she could not leave without completing her goal, so she turned the car off again. She dropped her face into her hands wondering why she was being such a baby about all of this.

Tap! Tap!

Paula jumped in her seat to the sound of someone tapping on her window. Her head snapped in that direction and she found one Ashley Davies standing outside, looking extremely confused. Paula froze for just a moment. She had spent almost all of her time just talking herself into talking to Ashley that she hadn't thought about what she would actually say. After a moment of hesitation she climbed out of the car so that she stood face to face with the younger girl.

"Mrs. Carlin?" Ashley asked when Paula hadn't said anything, "What are you doing here?"

That question seemed to give Paula her voice back.

"I need your help," Paula replied quietly.

"Mine?" Ashley asked surprise evident in her voice.

"Yes."

"Why me?" Ashley probed.

"As much as it pains me to say I think your better for Spencer then her present choice," Paula admitted, "She's in trouble and I don't know how to help her."

Paula watched as a spark of anger appeared in her eyes. She could not help but assume that Ashley knew the girl that Paula had been speaking of. She could also see jealously in her eyes. Paula hoped that if Ashley was jealous meant that she still cared.

"Please," Paula pleaded when Ashley had not said anything, "I pushed her away because I didn't approve of your relationship. I can't lose her before I have the chance to make it up to her."

Ashley sighed. She could just tell that Paula was speaking the truth. And honestly, a part of her wondered if she had just been waiting for someone to ask her for help. She had seen how badly things were getting for Spencer, but the other girl had told her they were over. She told her that she hadn't been there when she needed her the most and now she didn't need her at all. There had been so many times that Ashley had wanted to haul Carmen of somewhere to give her a good beating. The one thing that had stopped her was knowing that Spencer didn't want her help. But with Paula standing before her now she knew that she had to do something. She couldn't let Carmen ruin her. Even if Spencer never took her back, she'd at least have the knowledge that she had saved the other girl. She hadn't sat back and did nothing. And even if she failed, at least she would have known she had tried something.

"Alright," Ashley finally said, "I'll try my best to help her."

Paula surprised Ashley, as well as herself, when she suddenly found herself pulling the other girl in for a bone crushing hug. Somehow she felt like things were about to change.


	5. Chapter 4

~~To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self, to love is to risk not to be loved in return. ~~

Although everything on the outside made it seem like it was going to be just another ordinary day for Ashley Davies, she knew better. It was as far from ordinary as it could get. Of course, it was not completely out of the ordinary that she would catch herself taking opportunities to silently watch Spencer. However, she felt as though now she was out to find opportunities to view the other girl. Ever since her conversation with Spencer's Mother Ashley had felt on edge. She had wanted to intervene for months, but she had not known how. Now feeling the weight of responsibility for the other girl she knew she needed to come up with some kind of plan that would help her. Something that would make Spencer realize that she deserved better than Carmen. Something that would wake the girl up from the delusion she had been living in. Ashley just did not know how to do it. Truth be told she felt like her and Spencer were on two different planets. She was not sure how to reach out to the other girl anymore. She didn't even know if it were possible. Ashley sighed as she banged her head on her desk. In just a short few minutes she'd sneak a peek at Spencer as she walked into the room.

However, this would not be the class to talk to her. Not with her ever present girlfriend behind her. Carmen had Spencer on a tighter leash then Madison had ever had any of her boy toys on. What was she going to do? Mrs. Carlin was counting on her. She had never felt so much pressure from anyone in her whole life. She had always been on the outs with the Carlin family. Paula had blamed Ashley for Spencer finally admitting who she really was. She had never been able to understand her daughter. She had always viewed Ashley has a bad influence. Not once did she ever consider that maybe there were worse people out there for her daughter. It took Spencer dating a girl like Carmen for Paula to realize she was actually a prize compared to others. When Paula had come to her for help, she had almost wanted to rub that fact in her face. She had almost wanted to make Paula admit that she had been wrong about her the whole time. And maybe she still would. But it would not seem right for her to do it if she was not able to get Spencer away from Carmen. Which brought her right back to the problem that she was finding. How was she supposed to separate the two long enough for Ashley to convince Spencer of anything? It seemed near impossible. They were always together.

And just as if they had been cued, Carmen strolled into the classroom first followed by Spencer. Their hands were intertwined as Carmen led them over to their usual seats. If looks had been a weapon, Ashley knew she'd have been one dead girl. The look that Carmen was shooting her was horrific and sent chills down her back. But at the same time it made her want to leap out of her seat and remove the look from her face with Ashley's own fist. The only thing that kept her from going through with it was the knowledge that she'd be no good to Spencer if she had gotten herself suspended. The old Ashley Davies might have acted first and asked questions later, but this new Ashley knew that it was more important to have a clear plan. Spencer's life was on the line here and Ashley was not going to foolishly risk it.

Knowing there was nothing for her to do, she turned and faced forward as class started. Not that she paid attention. Which unlike contrary belief, lately she had been. Apart of her the futile belief that if Spencer saw that she was trying to become better than the screw up she had been that she'd realize they were meant to be. But that had not worked out as planned, but it had gotten Ashley considerably better grades. There was even hope for her to maybe even go to college one day. But even so, she didn't think she was the college type. Not like Spencer.

Ashley sighed internally. Her thoughts were brought back to Spencer and she was unable to focus on her schooling yet again. Her thoughts raced as she tried to figure out a way to help Spencer. Luckily she didn't have to stew in her thoughts for long. The bell rang signaling the end of class. Ashley packed up her books as quickly as she could, but when she rose and turned around she noticed that Spencer and Carmen had already fled the classroom. She narrowed her eyes at their empty seats before she left the room herself.

She spotted Aidan down the hall. She had grown tired of his questions about Spencer. Especially, since she had no answers for the questions that he asked. Rather than heading into yet another interrogation, Ashley escaped into the nearest bathroom. She headed over to the sinks and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked past the exterior that everyone else saw, but what she saw was completely different. She saw a tired worn out girl. She saw a girl who saddened by things that she could not control. Ashley let out a long sigh. She was glad she had worn waterproof eye liner and mascara that morning. She turned the cold water on and splashed it on her face. She let the cool water calm her. It only worked for a moment.

She heard someone come in and felt a set of eyes on her. She would not put it past Aidan for cornering her in the bathroom, but that was not who she saw when she looked up. Staring up into the mirror she spotted the last person she would ever have expected. Spencer stood frozen where she stood. She looked like a deer caught in headlights. It pained her to think that this was what their relationship had come to. She did not want to scare Spencer away, so she slowly turned around. She dried her face with a paper towel waiting to see if Spencer would say anything first. When she hadn't Ashley said quietly, "How have you been?"

Spencer seemed to snap out of her trance. The look of fear fled her face and was replaced by one of defiance. "Why do you care?" Spencer snapped. A look of something briefly crossed her face, but Ashley couldn't place what exactly she had seen. It fled too fast for her to identify. Half of her hoped that it was a sign the Spencer she knew was in there somewhere.

"I've done a lot of messed up things, but that doesn't mean I don't care," Ashley told her, "I'll never stop caring."

Spencer rolled her eyes and headed over to the sink. Ashley could tell that she was doing her best to ignore her, but she wasn't prepared to let that happen. It was the opportunity she had been waiting for. She was not sure if she'd ever get a chance to be alone with Spencer again. She was not going to take advantage of it.

"You don't have to put up with it," Ashley told her, "You deserve better."

The laugh that erupted from Spencer was completely foreign. It was not until that moment did Ashley realize how far the other girl had fallen. It pained her to think that it was all her fault. If she had not ran away after the shooting Spencer would have been able to lean on her for support. She would never have fallen into a relationship with Carmen. She would not be in the condition she was in now.

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Spencer snapped, not looking up from the sink as she washed her hands.

"I think you're scared," Ashley snapped, there was no sting to her words.

"Excuse me?" Spencer demanded, finally drying her hands and turning to face Ashley, her arms on her hips.

"You heard me Spencer. You are afraid! You know that I'm right and you don't want to accept it," Ashley explained.

"You… You… You are not right!"

"You and I both know that I'm right. Once you open your eyes to reality you're going to realize what a horrible situation you've gotten yourself into," Ashley told her.

Spencer crossed her arms across her chest. Ashley could tell that some of what she was saying was getting through to the other girl. But would she act on what was being said? Would she be strong enough to know that Ashley was speaking the truth? Would she be strong enough to get past it? Ashley could not answer those questions. If she could give her the strength she needed, Ashley would have done it in a second.

"Maybe I deserve it," Spencer countered.

"No you don't Spencer," Ashley said, before deciding to take a chance, "You think you do, but you don't. Putting yourself through this much pain won't bring him back."

She took a chance with her words. She knew that by bringing up Clay, there was a chance it could back fire on her. The look that crossed Spencer's face revealed that while it may have crossed a line, the only way that she was going to get through to her was by being as blunt as she could. While anger flared in her eyes she could tell that she had planted an idea with in her. Spencer cursed her out and fled the rest room. While it seemed like an utter fail on the outside, she knew that the seed she had planted would eventually bloom into a full fletched idea. She just had to give it time and make sure she kept nurturing that idea. Hopefully it would not take too long for Spencer to wake up and realize she was hurting herself the longer she stayed with Carmen. Ashley didn't expect to get her back, but she wanted her to be happy and healthy. Carmen was definitely not going to give that to Spencer.

Spencer stormed out of the school bathroom. She could not remember the last time she had been this angry. She couldn't believe the nerve of Ashley. She was the one who had walked out of their relationship. Things had gotten difficult and Ashley had ran. She had run when Spencer had needed her the most. Carmen had been there for her when Ashley hadn't. She had no right to try to comment on the way Spencer was living her life now. No right at all. Spencer did not even bother going back to class. Instead she strolled right out the front door and headed as far away from the school as she could get. She didn't care where she ended up as long as it was as far from Ashley Davies as she could get. She hadn't even bothered to tell Carmen that she was leaving. She knew she should have let her know. She knew that Carmen would get worried when she didn't come back to class, but for once she didn't care. She just needed to get out.

She almost felt normal again. She hadn't felt true anger since her brother had been shot. She hadn't felt anything this intensely in a very long time. It was as if her emotions had died with her brother. She knew she stayed with Carmen because she made her feel something. But in all of their fights and in all of their good moments, Carmen had never made her feel the way that Ashley had. Never in a million years could she have. Spencer hated herself because she felt herself missing the other girl. Which was crazy. They had both moved on. Ashley had left her and that was unforgivable. She had left her when she needed her most and Spencer knew that she would do it again had she been given the chance. Her Mother had been right all along, Ashley was bad news. So why did she care so much?

Spencer found herself at this small park by her house. It had been one of the first places she had found when her family had first moved there. She remembered how happy they had been back then. She and both of her brothers had goofed around as they swung on the swings or climbed on top of the monkey bars. Spencer glanced around the park remembering different memories of things that had happened. She smiled sadly as the memories ran through her brain. She never thought she would ever be able to come back here. Back to a place that reminded her so much of Clay.

"What are you doing?"

Spencer looked up when she heard a familiar voice. She was surprised that Ashley had followed her out here. Back when they were dating it had scared Spencer how well Ashley had known her. She knew had started to know Spencer then even she knew herself. Her face hardened and she snapped, "What the hell Ashley. Why did you follow me here?" She stared straight into the other girl's eyes, not willing to let the other girl see just how much she was really affecting her. She didn't know whether she was angrier at Ashley for knowing where she would go or herself for letting herself still care.

"Spencer... I'm sorry I wasn't there. If I could do it again..."

Spencer quickly looked back down at the ground. She couldn't let Ashley break down her walls. She couldn't let the other girl back in. "Don't," Spencer warned.

"You can hate me all you want. What I did was unforgivable. I left you when you needed me the most. I was a coward." Ashley inched closer and ignored Spencer's protests. "You may not see it now, but you're drowning Spence. I don't care if you never get back together with me. I don't care if you ever forgive me, but you need help. Clay's gone Spence, but you aren't. You're still here."

A tear slipped down Spencer's cheek, but she still wouldn't look up at Ashley. Her hardened gaze on the ground softened a bit and Ashley didn't need anymore invitation. She sat down on the park bench next to Spencer and pulled her into her arms. Just a simple gesture sent Spencer over the edge. The dam broke and the dears started to fall harder. She found herself wrapping her own arms around Ashley as she cried for the first time since her brother's death. Her entire body shook and she couldn't seem to control her tears. She couldn't control anything anymore. Ashley rubbed her back and held her even tighter. She wasn't about to let Spencer down a second time. She had learned from her mistakes. She wasn't the same Ashley Davies anymore.

"Ashley... I..." Spencer managed to get out in between sobs, but Ashley just rubbed her back and whispered soothing words into her ear. Whatever she needed to stay could wait. She wasn't going anywhere just yet. She had only just begun to fight for her. She didn't care how long it took, but Carmen was going down.

A/N: Ahhhhh that was way overdue. I promise next chapter won't be as long of a wait as this one was.


	6. Chapter 5

A/n: Thank you to all of your awesome comments. I do love each and every one of them! I do hope to get back into the swing of writing again. I did miss it tremendously during my hiatus. Thanks!

I wish I knew then  
What I know now  
Wouldn't dive in  
Wouldn't bow down  
Gravity hurts  
You made it so sweet  
'Til I woke up on  
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine  
Crashing from the high  
I'm letting go tonight  
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine

It seemed like an eternity since Spencer's sobs had quieted to small whimpers, but neither girl had moved nor did they seem to want too. The sun was going down and they both knew that eventually they'd have to go back to the real world. For once, Ashely was glad that this place had remained a secret to most of the people in town. Most of the kids had preferred the better park down the block to this run down one. It gave the pair a chance for privacy. Who would have looked for them there? No one. Ashely finally had her moment to get through to Spencer and it seemed like it was working. She didn't care if they ever got back together, but she wanted her to realize that what was going on with Carmen was not good. Carmen was hurting her even worse then the death of her brother had. Spencer was a ghost of who she had once been. Gone was the bright and cheerily girl who had arrived in her life. In her place was a dark and depressed girl with no hope. For just a moment she had seen that hope and Ashely didn't want to let go of it.

"Spence?"

Ashley wished she knew what was going through the other girls mind. There had been a time where all she had to do was glance at Spencer and know immediately what she was thinking. She had never thought of herself as being the type to get tied down. She had never been interested in commitment before Spencer. But she had found how much happiness she got from just being one with someone else. That had never happened before and she doubted it would ever happen again.

"It's getting late," Ashely tried again.

Spencer nodded grimly and went to stand up. Ashely held her tighter so that she couldn't get up. For some reason she just needed her to know she never wanted to let her go. If it was up to Ashley, they'd have sat right there for the rest of their lives. "I don't want to let you go, but you parents will be worried if you don't go home." A surprised look crossed Spencer's features and for just a second Ashley could see the real girl behind the darkened eyes. And for once Spencer had no smart ass come back. She had no nasty remark. She just allowed Ashely to take her by the hand and lead her home. It gave Ashley hope, that maybe the girl she had once known was not so lost. She just needed some encouragement to come back out. Maybe they still had a chance. Maybe Ashley still had hope that she could be forgiven. And just maybe that meant she'd learn to forgive herself.

The walk back to Spencer's house had be a quiet one, but it was not uncomfortable. It was a silence that only two people could share when nothing needed to be said. They just knew. It gave Ashley the time to really look at the other girl. She'd been studying her in school almost everyday, but in school Spencer had her guards up. She hadn't wanted anyone there to know even the smallest thing was wrong. But Ashley could always see right through her lies and now more then ever, with her guards down she could see Spencer's pain. She kicked herself for the millionth time. It was all her fault for leaving. If she hadn't left, she'd have been there when Spencer had needed her the most. But she had left. She'd run scared. It was the worst mistake of her life and Ashley Davies didn't admit that she made mistakes. She was pig headed and stubborn. But she was going to fight like hell to make up for that mistake now.

She felt Spencer's hand tighten around her bringing her out of her thoughts. Looking ahead she spotted Carmen sitting on the porch of Spencer's house. She was surprised that her Mom was letting Carmen that close. She knew how Paula Carlin felt about that girl. Before they even got to the house, in a very low voice Ashley said, "You don't have to see her Spence. Just go inside." Spencer's hand started to shake the closer to the house they got. They both saw a flash of anger on Carmen's face as she rose from the steps. She walked halfway down the walk way before stopping to wait. Just before they hit the front lawn Ashley repeated herself, "You don't' deserve this. Just go inside."

Spencer merely nodded. Ashley felt panic rise inside of her. She was terrified that Spencer was going to still ignore what was going on and go with Carmen. She was scared that she was going to get beaten worse then ever before just for being with her. She tried to stay calm. She tried to put up a tough front, but on the inside she was shaking like a leaf. At the last possible second, when Ashley thought that Spencer had decided to stay with Carmen she did the unexpected. She bolted for the door. Paula opened it just in time and Spencer was inside safely. Carmen hadn't even processed what had happened by the time she had turned to face the door.

"We need to talk about this Spencer!" Carmen yelled at the door.

Ashley crossed her arms across her chest. "Can't ya take a hint Carmen? She doesn't want you!" When Carmen turned on her, she had never seen such hatred and anger in someone's eyes before. So many horrible things had happened to her in her short life, but she could honestly say that she had never been afraid before. She had never felt true fear. Not until that moment when Carmen started to advance on her. Her eyes spoke volumes and she knew something bad as going to happen. She felt herself start to back up. She wished she had disappeared into the house with Spencer, but she knew that it wouldn't end then. No matter what she did, Carmen was going to get even with her. Ashley was so busy staring into her eyes that she didn't see the knife that was pulled out. She didn't hear Spencer's screams. Everything was dead silent and all Ashley could focus on was those damn angry eyes.

Everything went into slow motion until Carmen screamed, "You ruined everything!" Then she plunged the knife deep into Ashley's belly. She felt herself fall forward to the ground and felt Carmen smack her on the head with something hard. Everything went black.


End file.
